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Our Family

Our Family

Monday, March 28, 2011

Getting through it. Not over it.

Where to begin.... Well I went in last Wednesday to have my blood drawn, so my hormones could be tested. They are finally back to normal after 3 weeks. Now we just have to wait for a normal cycle to come before we can start trying again. But now that i'm not pregnant I have been trying to take care of this rash thing on my foot/ankle, that I have had for over 2 years. I have taken over the counter creams, thinking it was a fungus. Unfortunetly that didn't work. So I went to a doctor about a year ago, and was given several things to try to make it go away, none of them working. Then we got insurance and jumped at the chance to get pregnant, and while I was Pregnant, my foot bothered me so much, it itched, it was red, and puffy. It was awful, so when I had the miscarriege, I decided to get it taken care of for good, before we get pregnant. So I went to the doctor, who happens to got to my church. He gave me a topical dream that I have been using for 2 weeks now twice a day, and it seems to be worse, and itches just as bad. He doesn't think its fungul. So since it isn't wokring I need to go back, because he said that if it doesn't, he wants to do a biopsy on it to see what this is. So currently that is my situation with my foot. It will be a month this Wednesday since I have had my miscarriage. I'm still sad and get kinda depressed every other day or two. Its hard because I know several people who's babies are due around when mine would have been due, so when I see them or pictures, its hard not to be upset(sad). I figure once I get pregnant I will be much better, but until then I will work through this. I don't know why but every Sunday at church it hits me like a freight train, and my emotions get the best of me, and I cry. When someone just finds out that i am no longer pregnant, that is hard for me to explain it all over. I just wished everybody knew. I have relized its not getting over it, its getting through it. Like I have told people, I will get through this on my own time and in my own way. (BTW... My husband is a big support to me through this, he is my rock.) Anywho... That is how I am doing.

Friday, March 11, 2011

My Lost Pregnancy

It has been awhile since i have posted anything. I guess i have just been lazy about blogging. Well this all started in July of 2010.
Dave got hired on full-time at work!!! We were thrilled, we have been waiting for this for a long time. The reason for our excitement was better, vacation time, assurace of work, but most of all, MEDICAL INSURANCE!!! We have wanted to (how should i say this) extend our family, by adding a baby to the picture. we have been wanting this since we settled down in Mo. So then we found out we had to wait at least 3 months for it to be official (a.k.a we had to wait for the paper work to be all done).
So we started trying in November. And we found out i was pregnant in January. We were so excited! When the pregnancy test was positive i just cried out of joy. So that day I made an appointment with the doctor, but the appoinment wasn't untill I would be 9 weeks along. So then i just started reading What to expect When your expecting. I found this very informational, and I reading about how my baby was growing week by week. Then we went to our appointment Feb. 11, it was a Friday. I was so excited to be there, not only because I was meeting my doctor, but because I was so excited to be pregnant and to go to the doctors, and see other pregnant women. I felt like i was now part of this club, or group where people just looked at you and smiled because your pregnant. I liked being pregnant, yes theres the morning sicknees(for me an all day sickness), the fear of becoming a whale :), and so much more, but I liked all that, because I have been wanting this forever! So i didn't mind any of that stuff, I was excited for new pregnantcy symtoms! So I was called back to the doctors room and Dave went with me. We met his nurse, she was so nice. Then we met our doctor, who I was instantly comfortable. He was nice, gave all the answers we wanted to the MANY questions we had, he did a quick abdominal ultrasound to show us the baby, we couldn't see much but he pointed out the things he could. Then we found out the due date was Sept. 18th 2011. We left With huge smiles on our faces. It seemed so much more official now that we had seen the doctor, so we went to lunch with my mom and ran a few errands in town. On the way home we started calling our families, and friends. I even posted it on facebook. LOL. We were just so EXCITED!! Then a few days later i started to have minimal spotting, i freaked out immediatly. I called the on call nurse she told me a little was fine, and to take it easy the rest of the day, and to call my doctor the next day. So I did, i took it easy that day, i had to call into work, which always stresses me out to do. I stopped spotting before my husband had even come home from work, and I was relieved, I called my doctor the next day ,and some beeding was normal, but if more happens that we should go to the ER. They also said if I was going to miscarry, then there was nothing I could do to stop it, and that i should go on with life. So i did. I went back to work, and lived my life, and the fear of miscarriage left the front of my mind, and took it's place firmly in the back of my mind. I knew my next doctors app. was March 11. so i just said we'll see what happens, then, but my husband and I got so excited again. Then my sister-n-law had her baby Feb 27th, sunday. We were so excited to see the baby. So we decided to go see the baby when they got home on Tuesday, but first we had some errands to run, the main one going to BAbies R Us. We window shopped for about an hour. We had just recieved our income taxes back, and my husband wanted to start buying things then, but i just couldn't do it. I said that our app. was less than 2 weeks away we can come straight here afterwards if everything is alright. He agreed, so we saw my niece and I just couldn't wait for this to be us, new parents.
Then the next morning I discovered a large ammount of blood coming from me, with no associating cramps, I immedietly began to cry, I cried through my shower while I was getting ready, and up until we got on the freeway to go to the ER. We got there and my husband called his work and they excused him, so we checked in and waited an hour or so just to have my vitals read, and talk to a nurse further about what was going on. Then we were sent back to the waiting room for another 45 minutes. Then we went in to a room where I had to put on that stupid gown. I waited an about an hour for my doctor to come in she said I was going to have an ultrasound, and pelvic exam. Then we waited some more and hen a guy some to take my blood and i also had my vitals taken again, then i went up to to have the ultrasound done. She started to do an abdominal one, ane asked me how far along I was, I told her I was almost 12 weeks. She said she couldn't see much and was going to do a Vaginal ultrasound. Before she began, she said she would tell us if she could see anything she would let us know. It was unexpectedly painful, and lasted about 10 minutes. Then she said she was done, and hat the radiologists would look it over. Her not saying anything meant something was wrong, the results should take about an hour they said so we had to wait. Tears just started running down my face. Once back in the room I just broke down. Dave did his best to commort me. We waited, waited,they checked my vitals again, and then an hour passed and we waited more, then the doctor came in. She asked me how far along I was (why was everybody asking me this when I had already established almost 12 weeks)! She said that the fetus was the size as if i was only 6 weeks, and that they saw no heartbeat, but that if it was only 6 weeks, they probably wouldnt see a heartbeat. I was so confused. She said I was in limbo for a miscarriage (what the heck does that mean)! She did a pelvic exam, I had my vitals checked again she said she would send all this info to my doctor and that I should call them the next day. She gave me a note to take work off a few days, and I left more confused than when I went in there. we were there about 6 hours or so, and I had no real answer to if my baby was ok. I cried alot when we left, most of the night. Then first thing at 8 a.m when my doctors office opens I called and left a message with the nurse to call me back. She called an hour or so later, and explained that they had seen nothing were the fetus was, and that i did have a miscarriage. WHY DIDNT THEY TELL ME THIS LAST NIGHT!! I was devestated and upset that I was given false hope at the ER.
I went in later that afternoon to see my doctor, my mom came with me, (Dave had to work). When I step into that area i wanted to burst into tears, because I was surrounded by happy Pregnant people, and the reason I was there, was every pregnat woman's worst nightmare coming true. I was called back, and soon saw my doctor. He said he was sorry to see me for this reason. He asked me if i understood what was happening I explained that I did, and he assured me it was nothing I had done wrong, and I cried again. My mom asked why the ER hadn't just told me, and he had no idea. He was sympathic, and explained my options, I could wait it out, and let my body get rid of the pregnancy (which could take 1-3 weeks, or I could have the DNC to have it surgically removed, I chose the DNC, I wanted it over with. He scheduled it to do it a week from that day. And I went home, and started to let my family and best friend know that I had lost the baby. It was so hard! That day I started having the cramps. I was working throught them until Sunday morning (3 days later) My body went into labor and I was having severe pains every 5-6 minutes, this lasted about 4 hours, My husband could my boss and explained what was happeneing and my boss took me of the schedule for the whole week. I was starting to feel a little better, my parents brought dinner over and they stayed an hour or 2 and left. Then around 8 p.m. I began to have the most painful pain I have ever had that I can remember, and it wasnt't going away, Dave was at work and so I called my parent they live down the road and said they would come over. Before they got there I had the feeling that I needed to go to the bathroom, I ran in there, and I passed what was the yolk sack, it was about the size of my fist. My parents got there and I instantly felt relief, my dad left after he was sure I was ok, and my mom stayed until my husband came home. Then Tuesday I went in to have my beta tested. The next day they canceled my DNC because my beta was extremely low, and there was no need for it, I didn't feel that way, I was still having pains, and still bleeding, so now i'm having to wait it out, and I have to have my beta checked in 2 weeks to make sure it is normal.
I start work this sunday, and i'm slowly getting through this. I think i take 2 steps forward then I take a step back. As soon as my body has healed and the miscarriage is over, I believe it will be easier to get through. Then after 1 normal cycle after I am healed, we can start trying again. I will always have the fear of miscarrying again, but I won't let that stop Dave and I from becoming parents. I know we will one day.